Honestly, I do not know what is wrong with me. I came home from work last Friday feeling beat up and worn down and generally......hmmmmm, what's a good word for shitty? Guess that is the only word that can aptly describe the sum total.
I don't usually talk about my job this way, and by putting these words down today I really hope to only speak in general terms and I really hope that no one takes any of this badly. It's just how I feel. I'm not angry, or trying to cause mayhem, just working through my personal issues with life as it is right now.
If we were to break it down to it's smaller parts we have serious trust issues with the upper crusty echelon at work. Their so-called soothing words of "encouragement" have me more on edge than before they were received. I'm not so addle minded to not understand that budgetary constraints will be the ultimate deciding factor for a potentially lengthy lay off, seriously, I understand. I used to do department budgets and it's not easy to figure these things out. I also understand that the deciding factor will come from the bean counters. The cherry on top is that I am painfully aware there aren't more than three beans to count, so my only confused question here is "Are you bean counters afraid to share the news?"
Personally I would be seriously afraid to tell two large groups of people that they will able to have the entire spring and summer off, and oh yeah, how about some fall as well? I would detonate that memo from a great distance and then leave the Country of Alaska very quickly and quietly until the dust settled.
What this part one of my current condition comes down to is just the fear of not knowing anything. I am the perpetual mushroom and it's scary in the dark.
Moving on to part two. Disappointment. Mostly in myself. Without a doubt I am a highly motivated, enthusiastic, intelligent alien being placed on this planet to observe the human race struggle along. How have I made a difference? I know I have helped people I don't even know and continue to do so every day. I listen, I make them laugh, I listen, sometimes I argue, sometimes I am stern, but overall I try to make life a little easier for others.
How does this result in disappointment? I'm failing at doing those very things for me that help me do my job well every day. I get frustrated because my integrity is being questioned by the very people I work for and who I try and help....a double whammy. Why do I need to show everyone everyday just how awesome I am? They should know BY NOW without a doubt....THEY. There's a cross stitch project that needs to be finished and hopefully I can laugh about it when it's done. I don't like getting frustrated. In the end it just hurts people's feelings or makes them angry (yes, I'm sorry supervisor, but I really didn't mean to flay the flesh from your bones yesterday with my viperous words of undoing). It's not right.
When I feel like this, it's kind of a sadness but not really a depression or anything like that, just a wrongness of my being.....I give in and watch Excalibur. Depending on the deepness of this ick, I could watch it several times. Why? Oh, I don't know........maybe it has something to do with how people really are no matter what you try and do it's never good enough and there's always some twit out there whose perception of the world around them is so skewed they feel they must torture everyone else to get what they want and they lead others into thinking that very same way. How many times can you beat the good dog before the dog bites you? Presentation of ideas, or teaching something...it's everything! Don't attack someone when you need to share something, use your good words. Be supportive and informative. Ahhhhhhhh, if only.............and yes, I am just as guilty of sharing badly or just not listening properly or being a complete ass towards a co-worker or stranger on the phone. So wrong and uncalled for, and yet.....there it is. If I'm not careful I will be confused with a human and my aliens will leave me stranded here forever.
Wish it was spring or summer already....YOU AND THE LAND ARE ONE....I'd be up a creek in a great way! Pine needles stuck in my clothing, sticks, twigs and moss tangled in my hair....a bitterly cold pool of water that must be disturbed by this crazy person for no reason...well, I wanted to so I did....kind of like when I climb the creeks...because I wanted to. The ultimate re-charger. Yet another weekend is coming so I may have to check it out, but more than likely the ice piles along the roads won't allow entrance into the Tongass. I guess I'll just watch Excalibur again, and cry and have a nap.
I did just read Wisbech Life which is written by a very wise person who gives a lesson on REVENGE KNITTING. If I could muster up some motivation (you see, the ick sucks all desire out of me for a time) I'd be knitting that Dr. Who scarf with a vengeance. I'm wondering how many times I would take over the world before I finally finished it? How many different ways?
Well, there are more small parts to this brain damage I am currently suffering, but those two are the biggies and yes, it pretty much comes down to work. Of course, it may be YEARS before I even talk about it like this or in any other way here in my blog or wherever, but I felt it was important for my sweet girls and following readers to understand why I'm not currently stitching like I was hard wired to a hydro-electric power plant as per usual.
For now, more Excalibur. It will fix me right up, it always does. When I am done with this ick, I will ride forth and....wait a minute!!!! Everyone but Percival dies horribly in the end........uhm....gosh. I don't find long swords and spears lodged in my chest or belly very comforting. Fine. Cannot win for losing!
Until next time, I leave you with some O Fortuna, enjoy!