Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Undeniable Wrongness of My Being...but only for now

Honestly, I do not know what is wrong with me.  I came home from work last Friday feeling beat up and worn down and generally......hmmmmm, what's a good word for shitty?  Guess that is the only word that can aptly describe the sum total. 

I don't usually talk about my job this way, and by putting these words down today I really hope to only speak in general terms and I really hope that no one takes any of this badly.  It's just how I feel.  I'm not angry, or trying to cause mayhem, just working through my personal issues with life as it is right now. 

If we were to break it down to it's smaller parts we have serious trust issues with the upper crusty echelon at work.  Their so-called soothing words of "encouragement" have me more on edge than before they were received.  I'm not so addle minded to not understand that budgetary constraints will be the ultimate deciding factor for a potentially lengthy lay off, seriously, I understand.  I used to do department budgets and it's not easy to figure these things out.  I also understand that the deciding factor will come from the bean counters.   The cherry on top is that I am painfully aware there aren't more than three beans to count, so my only confused question here is "Are you bean counters afraid to share the news?"  

Personally I would be seriously afraid to tell two large groups of people that they will able to have the entire spring and summer off, and oh yeah, how about some fall as well?  I would detonate that memo from a great distance and then leave the Country of Alaska very quickly and quietly until the dust settled.  

What this part one of my current condition comes down to is just the fear of not knowing anything.  I am the perpetual mushroom and it's scary in the dark.

Moving on to part two.  Disappointment.  Mostly in myself.  Without a doubt I am a highly motivated, enthusiastic, intelligent alien being placed on this planet to observe the human race struggle along.  How have I made a difference?  I know I have helped people I don't even know and continue to do so every day.  I listen, I make them laugh, I listen, sometimes I argue, sometimes I am stern, but overall I try to make life a little easier for others. 

How does this result in disappointment?  I'm failing at doing those very things for me that help me do my job well every day.  I get frustrated because my integrity is being questioned by the very people I work for and who I try and help....a double whammy.  Why do I need to show everyone everyday just how awesome I am?  They should know BY NOW without a doubt....THEY. There's a cross stitch project that needs to be finished and hopefully I can laugh about it when it's done.  I don't like getting frustrated. In the end it just hurts people's feelings or makes them angry (yes, I'm sorry supervisor, but I really didn't mean to flay the flesh from your bones yesterday with my viperous words of undoing).  It's not right.

When I feel like this, it's kind of a sadness but not really a depression or anything like that, just a wrongness of my being.....I give in and watch Excalibur.  Depending on the deepness of this ick, I could watch it several times.  Why?  Oh, I don't know........maybe it has something to do with how people really are no matter what you try and do it's never good enough and there's always some twit out there whose perception of the world around them is so skewed  they feel they must torture everyone else to get what they want and they lead others into thinking that very same way.  How many times can you beat the good dog before the dog bites you?  Presentation of ideas, or teaching something...it's everything!  Don't attack someone when you need to share something, use your good words.  Be supportive and informative.  Ahhhhhhhh, if only.............and yes, I am just as guilty of sharing badly or just not listening properly or being a complete ass towards a co-worker or stranger on the phone.  So wrong and uncalled for, and yet.....there it is.  If I'm not careful I will be confused with a human and my aliens will leave me stranded here forever.

Wish it was spring or summer already....YOU AND THE LAND ARE ONE....I'd be up a creek in a great way!  Pine needles stuck in my clothing, sticks, twigs and moss tangled in my hair....a bitterly cold pool of water that must be disturbed by this crazy person for no reason...well, I wanted to so I did....kind of like when I climb the creeks...because I wanted to.  The ultimate re-charger.  Yet another weekend is coming so I may have to check it out, but more than likely the ice piles along the roads won't allow entrance into the Tongass. I guess I'll just watch Excalibur again, and cry and have a nap.

I did just read Wisbech Life which is written by a very wise person who gives a lesson on REVENGE KNITTING.  If I could muster up some motivation (you see, the ick sucks all desire out of me for a time) I'd be knitting that Dr. Who scarf with a vengeance.  I'm wondering how many times I would take over the world before I finally finished it?  How many different ways?  

Well, there are more small parts to this brain damage I am currently suffering, but those two are the biggies and yes, it pretty much comes down to work.  Of course, it may be YEARS before I even talk about it like this or in any other way here in my blog or wherever, but I felt it was important for my sweet girls and following readers to understand why I'm not currently stitching like I was hard wired to a hydro-electric power plant as per usual.  

For now, more Excalibur.  It will fix me right up, it always does.  When I am done with this ick, I will ride forth and....wait a minute!!!! Everyone but Percival  dies horribly in the end........uhm....gosh.  I don't find long swords and spears lodged in my chest or belly very comforting.  Fine.  Cannot win for losing!  

Until next time, I leave you with some O Fortuna, enjoy!


  1. I still think I should come over there and kick some people's backsides, just to make a point. Hope you'll feel better soon and be back to your usual stitching-as-mad-self.

    Also, that partly solves the mystery why Wisbech Life was in my blogger-watchlist before I even knew I had such a thing...strange things do happen on the internet, don't they?

    1. :D Thank you, som e arse kicking just may be what is needed...I know I need mind kicked for sure!

      Wisbech Life is written and directed by our very own Vandalized on dA and she has been with me since I first started on dA. She's probably on your reading list because I had included her blog address on my journal entry on dA, what a talented photographer she is :D

  2. To start, I thank you for the wonderful music, it's one of my favorites. I understand the need for angry movie watching, though mine tends to be angry music driving. preferably at high speed with the sun roof open.
    I really wish you had been with me yesterday, you could have relaxed at the curling and as it was a gorgeous day I would have been able to find a creek for us to go up while you vented at me.
    My work has been iffy for a couple years now, everyone in town has rebuilt or renovated except us and then Walmart came in, and hours were slashed and talk of closing has been going around. Luckily I have one friend that gets down about it right when I'm more optimist and vise versa, so we keep each other going. I hope you find our what's happening soon, even if it's bad news, at least you will know.

  3. That would have been awesome! When I saw the first post about getting out and taking some pictures I really wanted to go with you at that moment. I think that they're pretty quick the powers that be will be sharing with us are destiny for this year's lay of time so it should be fine I'm just going through that funk.

    1. Funks are allowed, and even common this time of year, now go find yourself a waterfall.

    2. The best laid plans will now be hampered by SNOW. We have a winter storm warning now :( However, it is supposed to get warmer which might or might not help!

    3. How dare the weather not cooperate. How about snow angels? will those help?

  4. That would have been awesome! When I saw the first post about getting out and taking some pictures I really wanted to go with you at that moment. I think that they're pretty quick the powers that be will be sharing with us are destiny for this year's lay of time so it should be fine I'm just going through that funk.

  5. Oh my sweet you are so kind to this crazy menopausal old fool ( Thats me by the way-waves)
    No one has ever called me wise in print before.....and I've been called many things in print i can tell youlol, the mental health team have a file on me so thick they are currently using it to plug the funding gap.
    I did question if REVENGE KNITTING was the way to reveal that i only knit jumpers because I didn't have enough yarn for a body bag.
    May be you need my MURDEROUS CROCHET tutorial? or is that pushing it a bit? I might post it anyway and you can always book mark it for reference at a later date :)
    Your awesomeness needs no proving, but people can be very disbelieving of the evidence of their own eyes,
    which is how charlatans and tricksters manage to make such a good living these days, whilst wonderful amazing people like you wind up having to repeat the awesomeness day in day out, it cannot be easy I imagine and I would guess quite tiring too ? ( I aspire to be awesome but I've a long way to go on that one :)
    Perhaps we should all have a Funkathongalong? I have no idea how it would work, but....I just love that word,
    say you do too?
    Thank you so much for mentioning my blog wisbech life, Originally it was called Wisbech Life because of a misguided hope that those local to wisbech would be interested possibly in seeing wisbech in a better light photographically, but its clearly not caught on and now has become the blog equivalent of a middle aged menopausal woman dancing alone in her kitchen at 2 am, which funnily enough is something i used to do and enjoy till I realized the neighbors across the street could see me !
    This funk won't last your natural awesomeness will break through because thats what makes you so awesome.
    and that scarf WILL BE DONE....there are some beam counters out there who need you to knit and think about how to poke a few nice big holes in there slimy bean counting countenance.
    sending you a massively big hug and many thanks for your AWESOMENESS.

    1. YOU are very AWESOME as well! I did do some serious knitting, and even wondered what you would do with crochet since I did start some crochet over the weekend...now I know it is MURDEROUS CROCHET. that is very cool. The funk continues and try as I might there's no sneaking out from under it for the time being....I SHALL endeavor to persevere and soon this will be all over with :D I do get S.A.D. once in awhile but never this harshly or for this long!! Hopefully its on it's way out and I can get back to being the person I'm meant to be and not this sad sack Eyeore.

      Funkathongalong...it brings to mind terrifying images of those skanks who wear thongs but don't wipe properly and coupled with low rise jeans create a visual NO ONE wants to see. I'm hoping your explanation of this fun word is far superior and I would LOVE to know that I am wrong ha ha!

      I think tonights movie is Priscilla Queen of the Desert and I will think of you <3